H is for Hummers

Now, you might think I'm getting on the Hummer hater bandwagon a little late, but as far as I'm concerned, it's never too late as long as people are buying them. Now, I'm not talking about the Army Hummers, 'cause those things are legit. Granted, they're almost obsolete, but still. No, I'm talking about the H2, the H2 truck or whatever it is and the grandly unnecessary H3. Surprise! No one really cares about Hummers, except people who want one for some strange reason (I'll get to that later) or people who already have one.

This is old news, but worth reiterating- the only people who want or own Hummers are insecure and (likely) impotent. It doesn't get much more complicated than that. The thought processes can go a little something like this:

"How do I tell people/women that I'm a man without having to say or do anything physical? Oh, I know! I'll buy a freaking HUEG car that's typically used by the military! Then they'll know I'm so tough, because my car's so tough. Plus, not only will I look a whole lot manlier, I'll have an expensive car, which I know all women love! Who needs some wussy exotic roadster when my car is made of enough plastic and fiberglass to make like 700 pairs of skis, and it's HUEG enough to crush every other car in its path?"

I wish I had a billion dollars for every time I saw a Hummer on the road and RAGED, 'cause then I'd have 75 quadrillion dollars. I'd then use that money to pay off the national debt, fund a revitalized space exploration effort, build lots of rockets, buy every H2, H2 truck and H3 in existence, load them all onto said rockets and fire them into the Sun, just like at the end of Battlestar Galactica. OK, OK, the Hummer hadn't been invented yet in the BSG continuum, but the concept is still there. As a side note, if I had 75 quadrillion dollars, you bet I'd build myself a fully-functioning Battlestar. That was never really a question.


P.S. I'd also build some Cylons, 'cause Cylons are kickin' rad and my new Battlestar would need something for target practice (other than cargo ships filled with Hummers, that is). Positions for Executive Officer and Commander of Air Groups are opening soon, so send in those applications!