O is for Over-the-Top Flirts

We all know them. We might even be them; whether this is something we'll admit to is a different matter altogether. My point is that we all know them, lying in wait to make everybody's day just that much more awkward. This specific example pertains to cosmic bowling, but I think the nature of the activity is pretty irrelevant, since these people show up to everything.

So anyways, cosmic bowling. It's great! There's lasers, bowling, crazy people and goofy shoes, not to mention crazy people. I went yesterday with my friend. He brought along a friend (who happened to be a girl, a fact that'll be rather important soon) and another friend planned on showing up later. The ride there was pretty cool, as it involved totally rocking out to Muse's "The Resistance" at unseemly volumes and everyone in the car being generally hilarious and having a good time. We get to the bowling alley having only gotten a little bit lost, which is no big d. We get there, get our shoes and prepare ourselves for a rockin' good time, when here comes Bowler #4. Now, I've known this kid for a long time, giving me a broad base of experience concerning his thought and potential actions in many areas, i.e. bowling, moral and intellectual superiority, cars, the Marine Corps and girls. He was also my sister's ex-boyfriend, which not only increased his creep factor but gave me some slightly prophetic insights into what would become a Situation.

This is where my friend's friend's gender becomes important. Not only was she a girl, but she would quite obviously be a high-priority Flirt Target. Bowler #4, having some basis in tactical reasoning (vidya games and fantasy novels), figured this out right away. I decided early on that I wasn't getting involved- first, she's quite obviously taken, and second, I've only known her for an hour. Bowler #4, however- who for reasons of anonymity and ease of typing I will  henceforth refer to as "Mike"- is apparently from the "The name of the game is your girl and I won" school, and only took my reasons for not trying as reasons why he should outdo me and everyone else within 10 square miles.

Now, bowling can either be based in skill or fun, meaning you can either stress over vectors, rotations and thrust-to-weight ratios or just have fun. I chose the middle ground, since high scores are nice but not the sole objective of bowling; if you want to remain socially viable, that is. "Mike" here decided it was best to tackle both sides of the "skill-fun" spectrum in the course of two games. This also translated into flirting, running the gamut between "Oh look, I'm the greatest bowler in the history of the world, so stand back and admire my skillz" and "Aw man, I'm terrible at bowling but you know what, life isn't all about bowling, it's about friendship and love and flowers and puppies, I hope you like those things because I like them too."

Naturally, this induced RAGE on my part. First, he was trying too hard, to the point where it had to have been painfully obvious to everyone. Second, he was trying to win something that was not winnable. Third, I've seen this all before. It was like a re-run but with a new cast and a different setting, somewhat akin to Star Trek: TNG using a plot from TOS, except that's a bad example because TNG did that all the time and neither of those shows were fail, whereas this situation most certainly was. Anyways, it was completely stupid. The best part of the night was when "Mike" tried to bowl with beer goggles on as part of some college newspaper promotion. All you had to do was knock down one pin with the goggles on, so naturally, "Mike" assured us that not only did he know the trick to beer goggles, but he was also gonna get a strike. HA. He rolled a gutter ball after three feet. SO THERE. His attempts at flirting resulted in much rejoicing between my friend, his friend and myself, but also much fail on "Mike"'s part. Long post short, we ditched him there at 10:30 at night, rocking out to the "The Resistance" again and lulzing all the way home.

Share your stories of over-the-top flirts below. Whether or not you'll lol, I probably will.